Updated: Jan 18
Ok folks its a new year and its time to really buckle down on how we view ourselves and how we let people treat us. It all starts on the inside. I know by the title that’s this episode might be a little heavy. But I think that this topic is super essential at this point not only life but in this generation.
Everyone is always talking about “love yourself, love who you are.. blah blah blah” but they never tell you how. I am here to give you tips that I follow and to tell you my backstory on my life and I started loving myself.
But I want to just want to start off by saying that no matter what anyone is going through even if its self esteem issues, family issues, relationship issues you need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself as much as you possibly can because the repercussions of not taking care of yourself are truly the worst.
I say that because I know what its like to feel alone and unloved and at times used. This all plays a part in my journey to loving myself.
Growing up I was always bigger than some of the other girls, my butt was bigger and my face chubbier, along with a round stomach popping out. I was always reminded constantly around the holidays whenever I see family. Some would call this back in the day “big boned” Yup that’s what I was big boned I was so big boned that my mom would have to get me new clothes every couple months. Looking back now, I realized it was because I was kid and still growing not because I was fat or big boned as some people would call me.
Fast forward to teen years where I attended a highly accredited high school in the suburbs of Illinois. Not only was I now made more aware of being black in an all white school, I was now more aware of being one of the fat girls in all of my friend groups. All of the girls where Skinny, with blond or brown hair and had cute boyfriends. Some girls also wore heels everyday to school… I was included in that. I would wear makeup everyday, flat iron my hair and wear heels, I wanted to look good for myself but also for some of the cute guys in school. I thought looking good they might notice me. Back then I put my worth and how I felt into things and people that did not matter.
Now College was similar to high school, I definitely dialed it down a bit living in the city I couldn’t wear heels, I opted for walking flats or loafers, But I did make sure to dress well. College was the time that I did not have any control of my finances. I would shop wherever and whenever. I just needed everything so I keep up with the lifestyle I lived back in the suburbs. I am so happy I made those financial mistakes its the reason why I love going over budgeting, doing taxes and doing anything finance related.
College was the time I started dating (I never dated through high school btw) The college dating game was a lot different from high school. There wasn’t not one serious relationship in college it was more of a wham bam thank you ma’am. I still continued the cycle of self abuse until the year after my nephew was born.
After he was born I thought to myself what I am doing is not only harmful to me but harmful to the people around me. If I tried to keep up with the lifestyle, and “date around” with lots of men and go out to party daily. Then I not only will be broke all the time but I will continuously dislike myself and the worst thing that can happen is for me to not enjoy my own company. That was a deal breaker and a sign that I needed to get it together. The tips I have below Are tips that I hope you can relate or apply to your own life.
1) The start to loving ones self comes from inside (obviously) I did to started to recognize and dig deep to why I think certain things about myself. ” Im too fat” “I’m not as pretty as that other girl” etc I had to figure out why I would believe someone who says something like that and overall negative to me. (This is still something I am currently working on) I have the “take everything personal gene” at least that’s what my mom calls it. Its a trait I am too happy I am currently getting rid of.
2) Spend time with yourself, this might sound a bit juvenile but the best thing you can do for yourself is learn who you are. You can’t expect anyone to like you if you don’t like yourself. It has taken me so damn long to know who I am. I had to learn “oh I don’t like this” or ” I love that” knowing who I am and learning who I am tells me who I am compatible with and what I do and don’t want in a partner. Its helped me navigate who I truly am and self worth.
3) This is going to sound so cliche, but seriously GET RID OF NEGATIVE PEOPLE AND NEGATIVE VIBES THAT ARE AROUND YOU they truly are hurting more than building you up. I mean any and everything negative, (your job, your spouse, family etc) Negative Self esteem can come from the people and things around you. If you have people around that are toxic and negative thats all you will ever know, its 2019 its time to give them the finger and keep going with your life. There is no reason to be around that. you have a choice to be miserable and hate yourself and life or to get rid of your old habits and start new and let life guide you to where you are suppose to be.
4) I have talked about social media and how to detox from it here. At this point its so crucial because I can tell you social media has lead me to believe everything I see and hear. let me just say that SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT REAL!! Let me repeat that…. SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT REAL!! This is still something that I monitor myself on because it can really fuck me up in the head… I was believing everyone has Chanel bags, Christian Louboutins and Gucci sneakers, along with long luxurious hair. No, that is not true half of these people finesse the gram and get their “luxury pieces” from Ali Express and is wearing a wig. (Sorry, Not Sorry for the truth) My confidence was going down because I couldn’t really afford those things or go on those lavish trips I saw that people were going to daily. Who the hell was I kidding I still cant afford those things ya girl has to really save for it. Social media if you let it will let you feel less than… truth is… YOU ARE NOT.
So I would highly suggest monitoring yourself on social media and try to remember your values, and know that everything you see isn’t real.
5) Self Care – Now this could mean to get in the tube and take baths with a bath bomb and light candle and pop on some soothing music. This could also mean do whatever makes you feel good. It could be the simple human basics. Eat healthy, Work Out, get fresh air, read a book etc. Do something you haven’t done in a while and rediscover your love for it. Do something that will inspire you and will make you want to show life how boss you really are.
6) I might get a lot of push back on this because I know its hard to air your dirty laundry to someone you don’t know but get a…. THERAPIST or have SOMEONE TO TALK TO. Seriously, Get someone to talk to whether its a family member, a colleague or even a therapist. Getting one will be the best thing you could do for yourself. I have learned so much about myself just from talking to trusted friends and therapists. It will help you to talk to through anything you need to.
I hope this helped anyone even by a little bit. There is so much that goes into loving yourself and I hope that at least some of these tips will help you with being confident and loving yourself more because they for sure they have helped me.
Until Next Time